Escargot et Quiche!
by Eiko Parody-san
Summary: Ruthless Parody. Dedicated to cliches and Reno the pairing whore, a young and PLAIN girl enters the Turks. I promise there is NO Mary Sue. Strong language.
1. The New PLAIN Girl

Disclaimers: I do not own FFVII or any of its characters. I do however own a lot of the OCs that will be featured in this parody.

----Escargot et Quiche!

Chapter Une: The New PLAIN Girl

Arwen Marie Suet was a lovely young girl with long flowing luxurious purple locks. No wait that would make dear Arwen a Sue. Okay her hair was mousy brown and she needed glasses, yes…glasses. However, despite the lack of good vision, she wore contacts so that her bright green eyes would shimmer. All her life she was called pretty, but in fact she considered herself plain. Arwen plain and tall. My, she was just so modest with herself.

The young normal vixen was going to join the Turks. You see Arwen was orphaned when she was two-years old, but she remembered it all despite scientific studies showing that more than eighty-five percent of the whole human population begins to remember at past the age of three to four. Her parents died because they had secret information that would ruin Shinra completely. Their assassins were the Turks. The horrible, evil, yet bad ass Turks. Arwen could even recall who exactly the killer was. That's how plain yet magical she is.

Turk training usually lasted for six months, but since young Arwen was so lithe, prodigious, and bent on revenge, she completed the full course in seven weeks. Oh did I mention how plain and not-so pretty she is?

Reno was the cheapest, skankiest, immoral whore out of all the Turks. Every night he would go to a bar, buy the hottest woman a drink, and have sex with her. He was a one-night stand. The best fuck any man, woman, child, animal, plushy would ever have in their entire lifetime. He was loved by his colleagues at work, and was very professional in the most unorthodox manner. There was no other way in which this redhead could ever become the second-in-command of the Turks. But he was still a very lonely man under that tough and slutty exterior. If only there was a woman plain and jaded enough to change the error of his ways!

"Renault Heineken!" yelled Tseng, the obviously Asian boss from the Turks. His bindi began to change colors.

"Wait what the hell?" said Jay, the Reno doppelganger from the Before Crisis game.

"That's Reno's real name."

"Yes I know that, but why is your bindi red?"

"IT'S VERMILLION! Don't make fun of my culture!"

"I'm not. It just went-"

"Shut the fuck up, n00b!"

Tseng was such a hard ass sometimes. Ever since Veld appointed him to a higher position, he became stricter and less fun. Many times he would lose his temper and shout in Wutaiian err Wutanese? Wait no, yes… uhh Wutian? Aw fuck it, Wutan.

"Kuso! Baka Reno-sama tamahome desu manga-ka!"

Jay decided it was best to just smile and nod.

"Oh and word is that we have a new girl coming into the Turks," said Rude.

"Holy crap, I like didn't know you were here!" wanked Jay.

"…"

Rude… crap I need a surname. Oh, I got one, Rude Miyamoto. Rude Miyamoto was a very silent man. He spoke to no one except for his partner Reno. The man was practically invisible to most people, so whenever he decides to speak most people get startled and begin to proclaim his existence. Sometimes all he wanted to do was just go back home and have a normal conversation with someone intelligent about quantum physics, Ricky Martin, his fancy teacup collection, and communism. Was it too much to ask for? Why couldn't Reno, his BFF, be like that? If only there was someone plain yet gorgeous to stop Reno from being a damn crack whore and become a better human being!

Knock, knock.

"Come in," ninja-ed Tseng as he threw shurikins at a picture of Sephiroth.

"Hello."

Rude and Jay shifted uncomfortably at the plain yet beautiful young woman displayed before them. She looked like an absolute goddess, except for the fact that she had mousy brown tresses up in the average-girl ponytail. But hey she's plain. PLAIN I tell you! No Sue here dammit! I'll beat the crap out of you if you tell me she's a Mary Sue!

"…Did you guys hear something?" asked Tseng.

Jay looked at the ceiling, "It really sounds like it…do you think that was God?"

"Kami-sama deddo desu beeyotches!"

Rude coughed, "Please excuse Tseng."

"Oh that's okay," replied Arwen.

"So what's your name?" asked the Reno clone.

"My name is Arwen Marie Suet, but you can call me Arwen."

"ZOMG that is so cool. You're totally named after that elf chick from Lord of the Rings!" trekkied Jay.

Arwen giggled, "Can you believe that my parents never heard of that book too? It's a traditional name in our culture."

"Oh?" asked Tseng. "What culture?"

The new girl began to foreshadow a horrible and clichéd past as she took a good look at Tseng. '_Yes it's him… he killed my parents. Now I can finally have my revenge. At least I know they are within the lifestream. _'

"Uhh hello? Earth to Arwen?" Jay waved his hand over her face. "You've been staring at Rude's shoes for the past ten minutes."

"Oh I'm sorry! I was just in deep thought. My culture? Well… I'm from Icicle Town."

"Really yo?" asked Reno as he entered Tseng's office a la I'm-a-sexy-beast.

Arwen blushed cutely and everyone just rolled their eyes at her obviousness. "Yes really" she retorted thinking she was the queen of retorts in the most plain way as possible.

Reno walked by with his nightstick at hand and tripped Arwen. "Welcome to Shinra Inc, ugly girl yo. I'm here to make a living hell out of it you."

"I can NEVER love you!"

Everyone stood silent and gave each other funny looks.

"Oh crap I said that out loud didn't I?"

"Hai baka onna, you did," said Tseng.


	2. The Yaoi Filler Chapter

Disclaimers: I do not own FFVII or any of its characters. I do however own a lot of the OCs that will be featured in this parody.

I didn't update because I'm a slob and college sucks your insides dry. Term papers before fanfiction, yo. Or something like that.

**Chapter Deux: The Yaoi Filler Chapter**

"Rude I'm bored. Let's be gay together," said Reno while leaning haphazardly against his office chair.

"I don't know, Reno," replied Rude as he typed his report. "I mean we've only known each other for two years."

"I know, I know- Hey why are you so talkative out of a sudden, yo?"

Rude shrugged, "Because the talking ceiling is making me?"

"Fair enough."

Cue in Ricky, the self-proclaimed "gangsta" gunner from the Before Crisis game with a terrible and homosexual hairstyle. He was more of a bitch than Jay, and he tried to hide it by acting like he was a hardcore survivor of the Midgar projects. Sure, he was from said location, and okay, it was plausible that he had some hard times. But did Ricky honestly think that his fellow Turks would be gullible enough to believe that he was an important bodyguard to Don Corneo? HA! If anything, he was more of a "body guard" than a bodyguard if you know what I'm saying. Wink, wink.

"Ricky! You've been standing in the office for three minutes, yo," said Reno. "I feel it is enough time to have created a bond of love. Will you be gay with me?"

Everyone remained quiet.

"Oh, will you be gay with me, _yo_?"

Ricky blushed like a sixteen-year-old schoolgirl. "Reno this is so sudden. But what about Arwen? Don't you love her and her plain looks?"

"Dude, I'm fucking bored and you are currently standing right next to **my** desk. That is enough reason for us to be gay together, yo. And screw Arwen. She doesn't know my life, and I don't want an ugly ass chick like her getting into it! …Yo!"

Little did they know that Arwen was listening to said conversation via some spy gear she picked up in Wall Market a few years back.

It was a dirty and smelly place filled with gangsters, prostitutes dressed as honeybees, pimps, and rapists with erectile dysfunctions. Arwen was only ten when she first encountered this area of the Midgar slums, and it was as if everyone magically became a pedophile, even the children. Despite her extremely bland looks, everyone wanted a piece of that lolicon. Men would whistle and make very lewd gestures at her. The women would attempt to suffocate poor Arwen with their ginormous breasts while fondling her ten-year-old ass. Five-year-olds would crowd around her and pinch her flat chest, claiming that "her boobies are huge!"

She was almost raped too. There she was, recovering from the fourth kinder molestation, minding her own business, when a MAN stood right next to her! He was a disgusting looking man that resembled Final Fantasy XII's Ondore. Actually, he was Ondore! Arwen was so plain yet magical that she even caused crossovers to occur. She was beginning to panic, practically feeling her heart beat out of her chest. The man was looking at the apples from the fruit stand in the market, but Arwen knew his intentions! He was going to rape her and she would get pregnant, even if she didn't have her first menstrual cycle yet! And then came the worst…

"Young lady, do you have the time?"

DON'T LISTEN TO ONDORE'S LIES, ARWEN!

Our young heroine felt her body freeze all over. But she would not let this man have his way with her. Oh no! Arwen Marie Suet was on a mission to get her revenge for her parents. No man, woman, child, furry, liar, or robot was going to get in her way! "I will not listen to your lies!" she yelled.

Ondore blinked in confusion, "Pardon me?"

"I will not listen to your lies!" she repeated.

"I am confused. What exactly are you talking about?"

"RAPE! OMG RAPE! THIS MAN IS A LIAR!"

Everyone in Wall Market was staring at Arwen as if she were insane. But then again she spoke of a liar. A liar? In _their_ town? The citizens of the slums were at an outrage! No one was going to waltz into town and spread a bunch of falsehoods. That would just cause the fall of humankind! Heterosexual marriage was one thing, but lying? What were these horrible people going to come up with next? The cure for cancer? Not on their watch.

In the aftermath of the whole debacle that Arwen caused, the Turks had to come and crack some skulls. Arwen made sure that she hid from their acute eyesight. According to rumors, the Turks had the keen ability to smell fear within a fifty-mile radius. That and tacos. Them Turks sure loved tacos.

Coincidently she hid a shop that sold all sorts of interesting things. The one item that caught her eye was the spy gear used to hear conversations. She knew that one day it would come in handy. It was destiny, and Arwen knew that she would not go against destiny. Except if destiny tried to kill her prematurely or if destiny didn't allow her to have the man she wanted, then she would defy destiny or any god that dared to make her non-Mary Sue life miserable. She's the protagonist for Christ's sake!

The Turks decided to get some tacos from the local diner they managed not to shoot. In the diner were Veld, Tseng, some random people no one cares about, and Vincent Valentine. I don't care if this is a blatant time paradox. I can do whatever I want to, which includes the addition of Vincent, despite him sleeping in a coffin at the current time. This is my fic, and if you don't like it get out! And for the record, Arwen is not a Mary Sue either! She's just a poor girl that went through hell all her life! Brown hair, people! That is not beautiful!

Anyway, Arwen happened to find AA batteries lying on the ground and placed them into her brand new spy gadget. Upon turning it on, Arwen discovered that the device just so happened to be pointing at the diner. She could hear their entire conversation.

"Vincent, what are you doing here?" asked Veld. "I thought you disappeared or became Hojo's gay lover."

"It's complicated," he gothed. "Hell, I'm wonder why I'm here too."

"Kami-sama," sighed Tseng. "The ningen here can be such baka neko-chan dattebayo."

"…" ellipsied Veld.

"…" emo'd Vincent.

"Riiiight… So we've better get going," said Veld. "Vincent, if for some reason we don't meet again in some dingy abandoned mansion in some town that will probably be burned to the ground by a psycho ShinRa employee… please remember to write me."

"Okay."

As the Turks left the diner, one of the random filler characters that no one cares about accidentally dropped a folded piece of paper and landed on the entrance of the establishment. Arwen immediately ran towards the restaurant so she can get a hold of that paper. Once obtaining the fallen object, our heroine quickly unfolded it and began to read what it said.

Now our dear sweet Arwen has been traveling the world since she was in Pull-Up diapers. Despite not having any formal education, nor even made an attempt in educating herself, young Arwen knew how to read. Do not ask me how or why she can do this. You're supposed to be brainless sheep that accept everything, especially time paradoxes and phenomena. Oh, but if you MUST have an explanation, I suppose I can concoct something. Okay, first Arwen was a child prodigy, and secondly her parents taught her how to read and write at the tender age of fourteen months. So there.

The paper read:

How to be a Turk

Step 1: You must be a human being.

Step 2: You have to be attractive.

Step 3: You must know how to use a wide variety of weapons and know how to conduct transportation vehicles like cars, helicopters, trucks, speedboats, tricycles, airplanes, chocobos, bulldozers, cheetahs, snowboards, and Mercedes-Benzes.

Step 4: It is crucial that you have not engaged in any sexual activities with Professor Hojo, consensual or not.

Step 5: You must be swift as the coursing river, with all the force of a great typhoon, with all the strength of a raging fire.

Step 6: Mysterious as the dark side of the moon.

Step 7???

Step 8: PROFIT

Arwen reread the paper and began to analyze every step to make sure if she fit the criteria or not. Step one, was easy enough, although sometimes she felt that she was a little different from the other people. Occasionally she could hear screams and pleas from the earth, but that must have been normal, she deduced.

Step two was entirely subjective, but Arwen knew she had the power of plot armor. With that magical device, weaved from the finest fifteen-year-old's wet dreams, she could become the most beautiful female in the entire Planet. Plot armor: do not leave home without it.

The tertiary step was simple enough. Arwen lad spent much of her life in a car resting on cement blocks, but often snuck into the Midgar Zoo where the cheetahs raised her like her own. Chocobos ravaged the slums like rats, so that plot hole was easily solved. As for the Mercedes-Benzes… let's pretend that the car she lived in was a Benz.

The girl had never met Hojo, so she was fine. OR SO SHE THOUGHT.

Well everything seemed to be in order. She was super fast. In fact, Arwen used to race rivers, wrestle with typhoons, and make fires cry for their mommy's while she was growing up. Yup, she was just your average orphan girl. She totally had what it took to be a Turk.

Arwen cried as she thought about her childhood past. Nothing but liars, rapists, and evil Turks ruining her life. But she was going to be strong. She had to be strong. It was in the script that she was strong. One-way or another, our loveable Turk was going to get revenge on Tseng and get with Reno while having his child and discovering her true heritage. Yes, everything would go into plan, she mused.

"Hey," said Jay, while watching Reno hit on Ricky. "Did you know that Arwen is spying on us? It's kind of obvious because I can see her disgusting mouse-brown hair at the door's edge."

Reno shrugged and went back to work, "I don't care. She's not the boss of me."

"Oh when will someone save this poor soul?!" Rude preached to himself aloud.

"When the talking ceiling says so?" answered Ricky.

The redheaded Turk got up and ripped his shirt off Hulk style. "Oh God you make me so hot!"

Tseng, dressed like a ninja, jumped from out of the nowhere and hit Reno in the jugular. "I want all you baka inuyashas in my office now! That goes for you too, Suet, desu."

Another day, another dollar.


End file.
